01/19/2025 hello

I wanted to start a diary so i could keep track of my thoughts or maybe dreams. it may get weird or dark, just as a warning. when you read my entries stranger i hope you dont feel any sort of empathy or sympathy because those make me feel awkward so instead please feel inside yourself curiosity, relatability, or comfort. my grammar is meant to be informal here too to make it more authentic to my every-day typing style.

01/20/2025 chii and autistic women

I recently finished chobits and wanted to jot my thoughts down about chii. i didnt think id like the anime that much but it ended up being a good watch (except for the padding of multiple recaps, a mid ending, and boring fillers in the middle of the series). i wanted to talk about my feelings towards chii and the relatabilty of her personality. girls with autism i think can relate a lot to her, or atleast i have in a deep way. the way chii devotes herself to one person in her life is something i also do. she lives life through him, experiences emotions through him, sensations and feelings are run through him and then thus into her like a conductive metal transporting an electric spark. this is how i feel with my boyfriend. life is overwhelming and sensations and feelings are often too intense for me to bare. i use him like a sheild almost, to transfer these feelings to me and live my life through him like a hesitant toe testing the pool water temp. i love how chii also lives like this in a very literal sense. relating to chii doesnt stop there, we both also operate in a see=do way. a lot of times i forget to do normal functions like eat or pee, act like a human at all. for example: i forget to eat but see an eating video on my feed, so i remember to eat. sometimes ill forget to show my boyfriend affection until i see an instagram reel or art of people kissing, then im reminded of the good feelings that come from a kiss, so i go to kiss him. although chii performs like this because shes a robot with a learning program, in a lot of ways it feels like im also a robot needing to remind my robot brain to be a human and fufill needs. miss chii knows to love and love deeply she does and so do i! i feel empathy and love and emotion, moreso than the normal person i think. even our living arangements are the same although i may be more of a neet than her..

01/22/2025 cutecore and enabling traumatic response

While i was perusing pinterest for inspiration on room decor there were an overwhelming amount of cutecore rooms, probably because i enjoy the cutecore aesthetics a lot and the algorithm of my pinterest favors them. as i looked over them i came to a realization about the deeper flaws of the aesthetic itself and how it perpetuates unhealthy coping mechanisms in response to trauma. if you dont know cutecore, the biggest themes in this aesthetic is overconsumption of "cute" items like anime figures, sugarbunnie posters, puzzle play mats, and knicknacks. a lot of people associate creepy and dark themes with the cute too, like horror movie posters or bloody gags in their rooms. obviously, its very on the nose about "trauma" when youre taking objects of cute innocence and mashing them with gorey/uncomfortable themes. i see nothing wrong with this inherently, i too seek comfort in cute things to soothe issues but the problem comes when seeking comfort becomes coddling deep issues. one of the most important aspects of cutecore youll see is overconsumption of everything. cutecore pictures will be consumed with tons of filters and stickers, cutecore rooms will be cluttered with posters covering every inch of every wall and huge shrines of anime merch or sanrio merch. some rooms lean into having open racks to display a vast amount of clothes. overconsumption and hoarding are byproducts of trauma. collecting, hoarding, protecting, ordering and opening packages to live off of the boosts of dopamine. giving yourself to a capitalistic totalism in order to trick your brain into getting high from good feelings. theres many memes you can find about these girls not having enough money for food, for theyve spent it all on jpmercari or any other way of importing foreign goods was more important to them than basic needs; and this is seen as a funny/wantable issue to have in the community. why must cute = overconsumption? why must cute = excess? rarely do you see anyone create diy ascpects to compliment their room, infact its frowned upon to have objects that are not "name brand". knockoffs are mocked and called ugly; a deeper rejection of frugalism, diy skills, and being "poor". like jirai kei, mental illness is intrinsically tied to this subculture. its seen as a badge of honor, making you more authentic to the aesthetic. in recap, this implication is that in order to be authentic in the aesthetic you must perpetuate unhealthy coping mechanisms by: wallowing in poor mental health, giving in to capitalistic hoarding and overspending until you have no money for food, mocking those who are "poor" or "frugal" by seeking more diy or cost effective ways of recreating this aesthetic, and coddling acting "crazy" "creepy" or "rude" to juxtapose their cute exterior (such as racism, posting gore/selfharm to unsuspecting people, or meangirl behavior). this makes me sad because as someone who loves cute things and may dress more "cute" i hate the social expectations that i must be friendly or overly empathetic because of the feminine social constructs, and i love the idea of an anti movement that seeks to prove cute does not equal submission/friendliness but i wish cutecore could acheive that without actively harmful coddling and execution. as an autistic person, i dont think i could ever join a movement or community anyways. i have never met one that wasnt hypocritical and i cant find myself to relate to others just because we enjoy the same thing(s).